Here is a draft post I wrote the night before our first doctors appointment. Man. My emotions were so raw that night. Rob and I sat in bed, after Harper went to sleep, praying and crying. I wish I could say fear didn’t have a hold on me, but I am human. I am flawed. And I was scared. I can honestly say, I trusted God no matter what, but there was definitely an outcome we were hoping for.
Needless to say, seeing that little heart flicker on the screen that day, about a month ago, was pretty amazing!!! What an answer to prayer this little one is!!!
…. even though (if all goes well tomorrow) it will be awhile before we announce via blog – I wanted to document my emotions and thoughts tonight. Because it’s reality. The reality of a mama who has experienced miscarriage and loss. Heck. I think all women face this fear – it’s just more of a reality to some of us than others.
Tonight I can’t help but think – tomorrow could change everything. Tomorrow I could go from the feeling of life inside of me to emptiness or we could see a little miracle on that ultrasound screen. Only God knows. He’s already there. And I’m standing in that promise because tonight – tonight I’m kind of a mess.
This whole pregnancy the last two months – I’ve thought – if this isn’t a healthy pregnancy I’m done. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Also, if is a healthy pregnancy I’m fairly certain we are done. Either way – this is our last-first appointment. And only the beginning of many lasts if it is a healthy pregnancy – which brings on a whole different set of emotions.
My mom reminded me tonight, to not let fear in and that God is holding me and this pregnancy in his hand. What an amazing thought. And no matter what, He is good.
So here we go folks! I wish I could ask for your prayers for tomorrow. But some things just take time.