i’ve tried to never shy away from sharing the good and the bad here in my blog. because one day, i want to be able to look back and see God’s hand clearly in our lives – how He made everything work for good – how he continues to redeem!
i briefly referred to something in my last blog post – something we were experiencing in the shadows; meaning, it isn’t public knowledge (guess it will be now, huh!?). it’s been hard. but our dear-sweet, close friends and family have SO been here for us!!! we have felt so supported, loved, and prayed over the last week!
i haven’t made it a secret that we were going to start trying for baby #2 (actually 3) in June. well. it came as a HUGE surprise that i was expecting before we even started trying. we were shocked. like super surprised and super excited! oh the love, expectations, planning, and just flat out hope that happens in those first few hours that follow a positive pregnancy test!
we were elated! i was leery, but we wanted our close friends and family to know. because, if something ended up not going as planned we would need them. i was constantly struggling with fear – fear of loss. fear of history repeating itself (our miscarriage before Harper).
early in the morning last week, i woke up to bleeding that was NOT normal! i immediately knew. i called for Rob and he, trying to be helpful said, maybe everything is still ok. i looked at him and said, this is NOT ok. i knew. i was loosing the baby. i called my dr, and they confirmed my suspicions. talking with them brought me comfort. it was early enough (a lot earlier than our first pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage) that they didn’t need to see me. that alone was a HUGE relief. you see with our first pregnancy, i had to go through many blood tests, actually seeing the baby on an ultra sound without a heart beat, and the repeat of all of that after the miscarriage was over. the process as a whole was AWFUL! AWFUL!! this time around it has been hard, but not as hard as the first. i’ve been sad, but hopeful. after all, not even three weeks after our first miscarriage we conceived our sweet Harper. & as my sweet husband reminded me – just think, now we have 2 babies waiting on us in heaven. absolutely breaks my heart, but it also brings me such peace and hope.
most people aren’t too public with miscarriage experiences. i get that. it’s hard. it took a lot for me to sit down and write this… i haven’t verbally told many people. because let’s face it – i’m tired of crying. but i never, for one second, want that precious baby’s short little life to go unnoticed, to act like it didn’t happen. i want to make sure, although short, his/her existence matters – because it sure mattered to us!
right now, honestly, i’m battling with that whole, “God has a plan that is better than ours…” fact. i DO know it as a fact. i know He is in control. i know He is ultimately good! at the end of the day, even when life doesn’t feel good – HE IS GOOD! but…. i find myself frustrated – it is my flesh. after all, if i pray about something – that is what has to happen right?! isn’t that the way it works?! WRONG CARRIE!!! but, none the less, i find myself frustrated. i had been praying for months leading up to June – that we would get pregnant in HIS timing. that i SO didn’t want to experience another loss. so i didn’t want to rush things. this was all about God’s timing. so when i got pregnant not even trying – i just KNEW this was God. this had to be His timing! and i kept clinging to that through my doubt and fear. then the pregnancy ended and i was left confused, disappointed, and hurt. wasn’t this HIS timing? wasn’t this HIS plan?! it sure wasn’t ours! so why did this happen?? i want to be honest with my feelings, because i feel all too often we try to hide our human life feelings and act like we are ok and focusing on God’s plan! which i am – but i’m upset too! and i think that’s ok. i really do! really – most of my frustration (i know logically) boils down to this – God is not me – he is not human – he is God. my logic does not apply to Him. He is sovereign. He is good. and at the end of the day, that is all that matters and i need to focus on that – not trying to figure Him out.
i had such a moment of clarity this morning. i was talking with God and being quite honest – saying, God – i was so excited to share this story with friends – how you have redeemed us – how you placed a child in my womb without us even trying, after the difficult road we’ve been down. what a story full of faith and hope. i wanted to magnify YOU in this. so why was it taken away?! i gently heard his response – “why do you think this story is finished? you know i make all good in time. i finish what i start. this story is not finished.”
so here we are – once again – striving to live out only His story – not ours, trusting in His plan for our family! and truly, also, at the end of the day – our family is perfect. just as it is. our Harper is more than enough ♥ we will feel so blessed if we are able to have another baby, but if not – God is good! and i know my amazing God ALWAYS completes what he begins!
and our sweet, adorable four year old nephew on Friday told me he was praying for God to put another baby in my tummy – SOON! with prayers like that – i’m sure we will be expecting our next little one in no time!
so all this to say, i’m inviting you to walk along side us in prayer. please be praying for our family. for our future. and for wisdom for us as parents. i’d like to say that pregnancy #4 doesn’t terrify me. but let’s be honest – how could it not?! but i know God will walk with us through that fear – he’s already there.