5.17.2013

...the tough stuff...

the tough stuff isn't fun to blog about.  its the stuff you want to hide.lock it up.bury it deep.

but, when i started this blog, my intention was to blog about the good and the bad. the glorious and the ugly.

now that i am on my way to healing, i feel that i can open up and share my experience over the last few months.  i went from being blog silent due to joy that was bubbling out of me that i KNEW that if i attempted to blog i would blab our good news... that went from an absence due to tremendous heartbreak and sorrow.

st. patty's day 2013 is a day i will never forget.  the day those double pink lines popped on that dollar store pregnancy test.  rob got home from work that morning and i said "catch" & threw the positive test at him.  he immediately grinned from ear to ear. he knew, but still asked... what's this? to which my response was, "what do you think it is?! WE ARE HAVING A BABY!".  i was a little over a month along. it was seriously one of the best days of my life.  we got pregnant quickly after we decided to start trying. everything felt like it was right with the world. that our lives were complete! we were on top of the world.  at 8 weeks we had our first appointment.  this is the day our lives were changed forever.  the day we found out that our precious baby had stopped growing and there wasn't a heartbeat.  i honestly can say i have never felt such a deep sadness as i have felt over the past few weeks. the emptiness is indescribable. the last month has been a bit of a blur, as if we are in a bad dream.  i've spent many days crying. crying all day.  the pain is something only few know, the few that have been down this road.

today i sit typing, on my road to healing. i'm feeling more and more like my old self everyday. i'm seeing the light at the end of this dark journey. emotionally, there are still rough days, but God has given me a strength i didn't even know was possible. the constant emptiness and loss is still there, but i'm strong enough to carry it. God has also blessed me with a husband who has walked this journey with me, often carrying me through it.  i can't begin to describe his devotion and love for me over the last couple of months.  we have been through tough stuff before and that has resulted in strength in our relationship.  this. i can't even begin to tell you the depth our marriage/relationship/love has grown.

we are hopeful. we trust in God's plan in our lives and the future he has for us and our family.

.God Restores.



*we chose not to tell anyone but parents and siblings until our appointment, so if you are reading this wondering, why didn't they tell me... that is why. and now, the pain that goes with telling people about this loss is even harder. so please don't feel offended if you didn't know.  by blogging about it, i'm hoping to bring hope to others and closure to myself. thank you for your understanding!

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