how I know...

..... Because He knows. 
Not only has my world been rocked this past month, also my understanding of God. I know GASP! We aren't suppose to admit that right?! I say... WRONG. 

After my initial post, regarding our loss, I had several people address me privately thanking me for my openness and for sharing our experience. I'm a big believer that its encouraging to know you aren't alone; to know the things you feel are "normal" (whatever that means these days). So I've decided to elaborate a bit more on my spiritual journey the past month or so, & how I feel closer to my savior and more loved than ever. This is one of those trials that the enemy loves... Loves to try to shake you and break you. So this left me with wondering how do I know God is in control?.... 

You know when your faith can't be shaken. When every fiber of your being feels broken and you can't begin to understand or comprehend the why. Yet at the end of the day you can honestly say, "You are my God & I will follow and trust you to the end of my days." That doesn't mean I always like His decisions for me at the time but that's where trust, patience, and surrender comes in. 

I have pretty honest & transparent relationships. That's how I do things.  I'm a wear my heart on my sleeve type of person. That doesn't change when I'm talking with God. He knows I don't understand. He knows I'm a bit angry and upset. He knows I'm hurt and feel like he put this amazing desire in my heart just to crush it. But He also knows those things would never keep me from stopping and bowing at his feet. He knows.  
At least once a day I find myself asking, God why did you bring us to this season? We are "suppose to" be in the season you prepared my heart for... But here we are back at square one with this added bag of sorrow. And you know the great thing... 
He never tires of my questions. He just gently reminds me "be still"   

I know I will (probably) never know the whys or the path we detoured from and that's ok. It really is. I know without a doubt that God has a plan for us and it is better than anything i could conjure. & the greatest thing. Again, He knows. He sees my heart and knows that even with my questions of why, that I really don't want an answer... That its just me. Me being honest with my savior. I find so much beauty in this. 

I'm learning, at the end of the day this isn't my story or Rob's, it's His. He is the dreamer of my dreams. So I'm letting go. I'm letting His dreams become mine, whatever those may be. I pray that He continues to show me the path he has written for us, because I sure don't want to miss what He has for us! This is me... Choosing God's story, not my own. 

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